[ of course that's her answer. she didn't expect anything else, even if she hoped, but—
god. it's a good thing ai didn't namedrop hikaru, at least. that would bring the conversation screeching to a halt. for the most part, kamiki's been a subject to tiptoe around, apart from making ai aware of the broad strokes of what happened at the hospital that day.
those eyes, like voids of light, still haunt her. ]
I don't—need you to. [ it spills out just as quickly, before ai's even done talking, and she wonders if she's retreating even as she says it, but it... feels like the truth. the important part of the truth, anyway. either way, kotone draws back slightly, pulling her hands back into her lap.
she's a selfish, clumsy thing who ruins everything she touches. nothing new.]
I don't want to put more expectations on you. I don't want to make anything harder. That's the last thing I want. Ai-chan, I meant what I said, I just—I want to be here for you. I want to help you.
[ It doesn't make sense at all. Making people love her is what Ai's supposed to do - loving them in return had been the entire point of becoming an idol in the first place. It's what people want from her. It's why they can't step out of her light once they're caught up in it, the proverbial moths to a flame.
If Kotone doesn't want that, then what does she want? What could Ai possibly give her? If she says all she wants is to be here, with Ai and the twins, then isn't it beyond selfish of Ai to let her do that? To take, take, take with no promise or even any hope of being able to ever reciprocate?
The thoughts churn in her head, inky and dark. She sits with them for a long stretch of quiet, carefully clicking the words together before she lets them come out of her head. She has to say this right. It can't just be what she thinks Kotone wants to hear.
She has to know what Kotone wants full stop before she can try any of that. ]
That's really enough for you?
[ Her hands curl into loose fists in her lap. ]
If you just give, give, give like that and I can't give anything back then... isn't that the same way it goes with everyone else? I... don't want it to be like that. With us. But if you're happy giving then... is that really okay?
[ kotone's silent for a long, slow moment as she digests what ai is saying. they really are the same, aren't they?
finally, she huffs out a wet chuckle, rubbing her eyes. none of this is funny, but— ]
... Ai, you—you really don't know how much you've already given me, do you? I... yeah, I feel the way I do, about you, but... [ the old honorific's gone. the comfort from wrapping this in their childhood dynamic is fraying fast. she trails off, closes her eyes, takes a breath. when she reopens them, she rests a hand on the back of ai's own. the words pour out like a steady rain. ]
If... if you ever think you can return it, I'll be here. Same if you decide you can't. Or if you're never sure. I'll be here no matter what. You, Saitou, Miyako, Ruby, Aqua, you're—you're all the closest thing I have to family. I owe you all so much... especially you, Ai. I'm not giving that up for anything.
She rolls the word around in her head, trying to discern the shape of it. It's still mostly a totally foreign concept. After all, she'd never known what having one was like until she'd gone and made her own and even now, she's still trying to figure things out. She knows, at least, that it means her and Aqua and Ruby... but it had never occurred to her that anyone else might fit as well. And she'd certainly never dreamed she'd fit into anyone else's.
Hoshino Ai doesn't fit in anywhere, after all. Not even the places she tries to make for herself.
But, here... with Kotone and Saitou and Miyako... there's a place for her and Aqua and Ruby. If she wants it.
Ai pulls in a breath. ]
... Then...
[ She turns her hand over so Kotone's hand can settle into it properly. ]
For now, is it okay if things stay like this? With you here with me and Aqua and Ruby. Where we come back home and talk about our days and we cook and laugh and... don't worry about anybody else. I didn't think I'd ever get to have something like it and now I've got it... I don't think I want to give it up either.
tagging back two months later to basically just end the thread. idk either
[ this time, she doesn't laugh. she barely breathes. the long silences are the hardest part of this, and as familiar as ai's tells can be, it's not as if kotone can read her thoughts. still, when ai finally starts to speak and turns her hand over? she lets her hand rest in ai's, stroking her thumb once across her palm as it settles into place, before squeezing. ]
That's more than okay. It's pretty much perfect. [ that, finally, gets the slightest huff outwards through her nose. ] Like I said, y'know? I'm not giving that up for anything.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
god. it's a good thing ai didn't namedrop hikaru, at least. that would bring the conversation screeching to a halt. for the most part, kamiki's been a subject to tiptoe around, apart from making ai aware of the broad strokes of what happened at the hospital that day.
those eyes, like voids of light, still haunt her. ]
I don't—need you to. [ it spills out just as quickly, before ai's even done talking, and she wonders if she's retreating even as she says it, but it... feels like the truth. the important part of the truth, anyway. either way, kotone draws back slightly, pulling her hands back into her lap.
she's a selfish, clumsy thing who ruins everything she touches. nothing new.]I don't want to put more expectations on you. I don't want to make anything harder. That's the last thing I want. Ai-chan, I meant what I said, I just—I want to be here for you. I want to help you.
[ i want to protect you from him. ]
no subject
If Kotone doesn't want that, then what does she want? What could Ai possibly give her? If she says all she wants is to be here, with Ai and the twins, then isn't it beyond selfish of Ai to let her do that? To take, take, take with no promise or even any hope of being able to ever reciprocate?
The thoughts churn in her head, inky and dark. She sits with them for a long stretch of quiet, carefully clicking the words together before she lets them come out of her head. She has to say this right. It can't just be what she thinks Kotone wants to hear.
She has to know what Kotone wants full stop before she can try any of that. ]
That's really enough for you?
[ Her hands curl into loose fists in her lap. ]
If you just give, give, give like that and I can't give anything back then... isn't that the same way it goes with everyone else? I... don't want it to be like that. With us. But if you're happy giving then... is that really okay?
no subject
finally, she huffs out a wet chuckle, rubbing her eyes. none of this is funny, but— ]
... Ai, you—you really don't know how much you've already given me, do you? I... yeah, I feel the way I do, about you, but... [ the old honorific's gone. the comfort from wrapping this in their childhood dynamic is fraying fast. she trails off, closes her eyes, takes a breath. when she reopens them, she rests a hand on the back of ai's own. the words pour out like a steady rain. ]
If... if you ever think you can return it, I'll be here. Same if you decide you can't. Or if you're never sure. I'll be here no matter what. You, Saitou, Miyako, Ruby, Aqua, you're—you're all the closest thing I have to family. I owe you all so much... especially you, Ai. I'm not giving that up for anything.
no subject
She rolls the word around in her head, trying to discern the shape of it. It's still mostly a totally foreign concept. After all, she'd never known what having one was like until she'd gone and made her own and even now, she's still trying to figure things out. She knows, at least, that it means her and Aqua and Ruby... but it had never occurred to her that anyone else might fit as well. And she'd certainly never dreamed she'd fit into anyone else's.
Hoshino Ai doesn't fit in anywhere, after all. Not even the places she tries to make for herself.
But, here... with Kotone and Saitou and Miyako... there's a place for her and Aqua and Ruby. If she wants it.
Ai pulls in a breath. ]
... Then...
[ She turns her hand over so Kotone's hand can settle into it properly. ]
For now, is it okay if things stay like this? With you here with me and Aqua and Ruby. Where we come back home and talk about our days and we cook and laugh and... don't worry about anybody else. I didn't think I'd ever get to have something like it and now I've got it... I don't think I want to give it up either.
tagging back two months later to basically just end the thread. idk either
That's more than okay. It's pretty much perfect. [ that, finally, gets the slightest huff outwards through her nose. ] Like I said, y'know? I'm not giving that up for anything.