[ of course it wouldn't. kotone hasn't even been to any of ai's events, apart from getting dragged here or there backstage for some reason or another. she's never watched her on stage directly, not really. she doesn't give a damn about b-komachi, she cares about ai. not b-komachi's ai, not the dazzling center everyone loves, but the real girl in front of her now—hoshino ai, ai-chan, the first person in that damned place who understood her.
it feels good not to be in denial about it, now.
when ai breaks off—what honestly feels strange to call a kiss—kotone stays close. her hand is on ai's cheek, fingertips lightly callused. ]
... I know that was... a bad idea, but I just— [ she starts talking before she can think, or even really process the way ai is looking at her now. finally though, she meets ai's gaze, and her heart flutters. the words die in her throat. there's silence, for a long moment. it's clear that ai's utterly at a loss here. ]
Ai-chan. [ when was the last time she called her that? they couldn't have been much older than ten. the words are quiet, shaky at the edges. ] I... want to help you, you know? I want to protect you. But I'm a liar, just like you, so all I can think to do is... help you tell your lies. And then maybe here, maybe...
[ The rhythm of her heartbeat doesn't seem quite ready to fall back in time, yet. She can hear it pounding in her ears, almost too loud for her to hear past but even though it should be drowning out Kotone's words, they're all she can hear. Anchors in whatever storm is beginning to brew in her head.
Of course Kotone's a liar. She's just like Ai and anybody who's even a little like Ai can't be anything but a liar. Strange as it might seem to anyone else, that's exactly why they can trust each other. When there's no expectations of honesty, it makes it easier to find moments to stop lying.
That's why things had worked with Hikaru. Until they hadn't. And now they don't talk anymore and the prospect of that whole mess repeating with Kotone, as surely it would, because Ai never learns -
Her heart sits squarely in her throat and she has to choke it back down before she can get any words out. ]
Kotone-chan, if you want me to love you, I... can't do that. [ The words come spilling all in a rush, like she needs to get them out as soon as she can. ] And it's not because of you, and I- I can try if you really want, but I don't know if I can do that for you. I don't know if I can do it for anyone.
[ of course that's her answer. she didn't expect anything else, even if she hoped, but—
god. it's a good thing ai didn't namedrop hikaru, at least. that would bring the conversation screeching to a halt. for the most part, kamiki's been a subject to tiptoe around, apart from making ai aware of the broad strokes of what happened at the hospital that day.
those eyes, like voids of light, still haunt her. ]
I don't—need you to. [ it spills out just as quickly, before ai's even done talking, and she wonders if she's retreating even as she says it, but it... feels like the truth. the important part of the truth, anyway. either way, kotone draws back slightly, pulling her hands back into her lap.
she's a selfish, clumsy thing who ruins everything she touches. nothing new.]
I don't want to put more expectations on you. I don't want to make anything harder. That's the last thing I want. Ai-chan, I meant what I said, I just—I want to be here for you. I want to help you.
[ It doesn't make sense at all. Making people love her is what Ai's supposed to do - loving them in return had been the entire point of becoming an idol in the first place. It's what people want from her. It's why they can't step out of her light once they're caught up in it, the proverbial moths to a flame.
If Kotone doesn't want that, then what does she want? What could Ai possibly give her? If she says all she wants is to be here, with Ai and the twins, then isn't it beyond selfish of Ai to let her do that? To take, take, take with no promise or even any hope of being able to ever reciprocate?
The thoughts churn in her head, inky and dark. She sits with them for a long stretch of quiet, carefully clicking the words together before she lets them come out of her head. She has to say this right. It can't just be what she thinks Kotone wants to hear.
She has to know what Kotone wants full stop before she can try any of that. ]
That's really enough for you?
[ Her hands curl into loose fists in her lap. ]
If you just give, give, give like that and I can't give anything back then... isn't that the same way it goes with everyone else? I... don't want it to be like that. With us. But if you're happy giving then... is that really okay?
[ kotone's silent for a long, slow moment as she digests what ai is saying. they really are the same, aren't they?
finally, she huffs out a wet chuckle, rubbing her eyes. none of this is funny, but— ]
... Ai, you—you really don't know how much you've already given me, do you? I... yeah, I feel the way I do, about you, but... [ the old honorific's gone. the comfort from wrapping this in their childhood dynamic is fraying fast. she trails off, closes her eyes, takes a breath. when she reopens them, she rests a hand on the back of ai's own. the words pour out like a steady rain. ]
If... if you ever think you can return it, I'll be here. Same if you decide you can't. Or if you're never sure. I'll be here no matter what. You, Saitou, Miyako, Ruby, Aqua, you're—you're all the closest thing I have to family. I owe you all so much... especially you, Ai. I'm not giving that up for anything.
She rolls the word around in her head, trying to discern the shape of it. It's still mostly a totally foreign concept. After all, she'd never known what having one was like until she'd gone and made her own and even now, she's still trying to figure things out. She knows, at least, that it means her and Aqua and Ruby... but it had never occurred to her that anyone else might fit as well. And she'd certainly never dreamed she'd fit into anyone else's.
Hoshino Ai doesn't fit in anywhere, after all. Not even the places she tries to make for herself.
But, here... with Kotone and Saitou and Miyako... there's a place for her and Aqua and Ruby. If she wants it.
Ai pulls in a breath. ]
... Then...
[ She turns her hand over so Kotone's hand can settle into it properly. ]
For now, is it okay if things stay like this? With you here with me and Aqua and Ruby. Where we come back home and talk about our days and we cook and laugh and... don't worry about anybody else. I didn't think I'd ever get to have something like it and now I've got it... I don't think I want to give it up either.
tagging back two months later to basically just end the thread. idk either
[ this time, she doesn't laugh. she barely breathes. the long silences are the hardest part of this, and as familiar as ai's tells can be, it's not as if kotone can read her thoughts. still, when ai finally starts to speak and turns her hand over? she lets her hand rest in ai's, stroking her thumb once across her palm as it settles into place, before squeezing. ]
That's more than okay. It's pretty much perfect. [ that, finally, gets the slightest huff outwards through her nose. ] Like I said, y'know? I'm not giving that up for anything.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
it feels good not to be in denial about it, now.
when ai breaks off—what honestly feels strange to call a kiss—kotone stays close. her hand is on ai's cheek, fingertips lightly callused. ]
... I know that was... a bad idea, but I just— [ she starts talking before she can think, or even really process the way ai is looking at her now. finally though, she meets ai's gaze, and her heart flutters. the words die in her throat. there's silence, for a long moment. it's clear that ai's utterly at a loss here. ]
Ai-chan. [ when was the last time she called her that? they couldn't have been much older than ten. the words are quiet, shaky at the edges. ] I... want to help you, you know? I want to protect you. But I'm a liar, just like you, so all I can think to do is... help you tell your lies. And then maybe here, maybe...
[ maybe we can learn to be honest, too. ]
no subject
Of course Kotone's a liar. She's just like Ai and anybody who's even a little like Ai can't be anything but a liar. Strange as it might seem to anyone else, that's exactly why they can trust each other. When there's no expectations of honesty, it makes it easier to find moments to stop lying.
That's why things had worked with Hikaru. Until they hadn't. And now they don't talk anymore and the prospect of that whole mess repeating with Kotone, as surely it would, because Ai never learns -
Her heart sits squarely in her throat and she has to choke it back down before she can get any words out. ]
Kotone-chan, if you want me to love you, I... can't do that. [ The words come spilling all in a rush, like she needs to get them out as soon as she can. ] And it's not because of you, and I- I can try if you really want, but I don't know if I can do that for you. I don't know if I can do it for anyone.
no subject
god. it's a good thing ai didn't namedrop hikaru, at least. that would bring the conversation screeching to a halt. for the most part, kamiki's been a subject to tiptoe around, apart from making ai aware of the broad strokes of what happened at the hospital that day.
those eyes, like voids of light, still haunt her. ]
I don't—need you to. [ it spills out just as quickly, before ai's even done talking, and she wonders if she's retreating even as she says it, but it... feels like the truth. the important part of the truth, anyway. either way, kotone draws back slightly, pulling her hands back into her lap.
she's a selfish, clumsy thing who ruins everything she touches. nothing new.]I don't want to put more expectations on you. I don't want to make anything harder. That's the last thing I want. Ai-chan, I meant what I said, I just—I want to be here for you. I want to help you.
[ i want to protect you from him. ]
no subject
If Kotone doesn't want that, then what does she want? What could Ai possibly give her? If she says all she wants is to be here, with Ai and the twins, then isn't it beyond selfish of Ai to let her do that? To take, take, take with no promise or even any hope of being able to ever reciprocate?
The thoughts churn in her head, inky and dark. She sits with them for a long stretch of quiet, carefully clicking the words together before she lets them come out of her head. She has to say this right. It can't just be what she thinks Kotone wants to hear.
She has to know what Kotone wants full stop before she can try any of that. ]
That's really enough for you?
[ Her hands curl into loose fists in her lap. ]
If you just give, give, give like that and I can't give anything back then... isn't that the same way it goes with everyone else? I... don't want it to be like that. With us. But if you're happy giving then... is that really okay?
no subject
finally, she huffs out a wet chuckle, rubbing her eyes. none of this is funny, but— ]
... Ai, you—you really don't know how much you've already given me, do you? I... yeah, I feel the way I do, about you, but... [ the old honorific's gone. the comfort from wrapping this in their childhood dynamic is fraying fast. she trails off, closes her eyes, takes a breath. when she reopens them, she rests a hand on the back of ai's own. the words pour out like a steady rain. ]
If... if you ever think you can return it, I'll be here. Same if you decide you can't. Or if you're never sure. I'll be here no matter what. You, Saitou, Miyako, Ruby, Aqua, you're—you're all the closest thing I have to family. I owe you all so much... especially you, Ai. I'm not giving that up for anything.
no subject
She rolls the word around in her head, trying to discern the shape of it. It's still mostly a totally foreign concept. After all, she'd never known what having one was like until she'd gone and made her own and even now, she's still trying to figure things out. She knows, at least, that it means her and Aqua and Ruby... but it had never occurred to her that anyone else might fit as well. And she'd certainly never dreamed she'd fit into anyone else's.
Hoshino Ai doesn't fit in anywhere, after all. Not even the places she tries to make for herself.
But, here... with Kotone and Saitou and Miyako... there's a place for her and Aqua and Ruby. If she wants it.
Ai pulls in a breath. ]
... Then...
[ She turns her hand over so Kotone's hand can settle into it properly. ]
For now, is it okay if things stay like this? With you here with me and Aqua and Ruby. Where we come back home and talk about our days and we cook and laugh and... don't worry about anybody else. I didn't think I'd ever get to have something like it and now I've got it... I don't think I want to give it up either.
tagging back two months later to basically just end the thread. idk either
That's more than okay. It's pretty much perfect. [ that, finally, gets the slightest huff outwards through her nose. ] Like I said, y'know? I'm not giving that up for anything.