[ Ai's no good at reading people. She never has been and she never will be, no matter how hard she tries. She's made her peace with faking it until she makes it, even if making it is pretty far out of her reach. But with Kotone... maybe it's just because they've known each other so long or because they're around each other all the time. Maybe it's because Kotone goes bright and loud and then dull and quiet in all the same rhythms that Ai herself does and she knows what those moments of quiet mean for herself.
Maybe Kotone's different, sure. Maybe Ai's got it all wrong. But she doesn't feel great banking on a maybe. ]
Kotone-chan.
[ Ai sets down her chopsticks and turns in her seat. Her voice is firmer and lower than it usually is; not lacking warmth at all but no-nonsense. ]
[ there's a moment, however brief, where the change in ai's tone makes kotone tense up even further. she'd assumed they were past the old girlhood honorifics, but—no. no, that isn't the point. there's an effort here to reach out. she's not blind to it. kotone closes her eyes and forces her hands to relax, before drawing a deep breath, holding it for a beat, then letting go. she repeats that once, twice.
finally, she nods, placing her own chopsticks down, turning in her seat to face the girl next to her. ]
... Seems so, yeah...? [ despite the mood, and the strain in her voice, her own stupid line has her cracking up ever so slightly as she says it. it's hard to stay entirely caught in her own head, when ai's trying to connect with her. ]
[ One corner of her mouth tugs up but she can't even manage a half-hearted laugh when Kotone sounds so strained.
Her hands curl into fists. She feels like she should reach out and take Kotone's hand or something like that but would that be a bit much? Would she be keeping her trapped in a conversation she doesn't want to be having?
After a moment of clear hesitation, she reaches out and carefully sets a hand on Kotone's knee. ]
You know I'm really glad to have you here, right? With me and Aqua and Ruby. It'd be way too lonely without you living here too.
[ the hesitation doesn't make her doubt ai. far from it. she knows all too well that the truth is hard, and finding the right way to say it is even harder. kotone's eyes widen ever so slightly at the contact, and she finds herself leaning closer towards ai. ]
Ai... [ she tries to find the right words. tries to dig deep for how to handle this. ] ... I'm... really glad to be here, too. Believe it or not, I don't think I've ever been this happy? I just... I mean, you remember how it was. You and the others aren't like that, but... [don't make too many waves. give them a reason to want you around. the things you learn to survive stick with you. she weaves a hand back through her own hair, trying to dispel her nerves, before meeting ai's gaze again.
only one way through this, she thinks. her own hand settles on ai's knee in return, and she goes silent for a moment, staying close.
her voice is quiet, when she speaks again. just for the two of them. like breaking this silence feels somehow wrong. ]
... Hey, Ai. Since it's just us... can I try something? [ she catches her eyes flicking down towards ai's lips. it doesn't have to mean anything. if it isn't good, for whatever reason, then they can pretend what comes next never happened. ]
[ Ai's heart stumbles. Her lips part like she means to say something but for the first time in a long while, she can't figure out which words would work best. She's usually so much better at whipping up just the right sort of thing to say or do to smooth over a situation but right now, she's coming up blank - but of course she would. Ai's a liar and Kotone's pouring out her heart so honestly.
Her chest constricts a little. For a horrible, ugly moment she feels just a little jealous. Even at a time like this, she can't ever really be honest like that. Even now, when Ai had been the one to try and push this talk, she's still thinking of what pretty lies she can tell to make it all go away.
She swallows hard and chases that bitterness back down into her stomach. No. It's not Kotone's fault she's like this. ]
Mm. [ She says that with a little nod. She doesn't really trust her voice right now. ] You can. ... Since it's just us.
[ it isn't hard to guess the kind of place ai's mind is going. it's a reflex they usually share. we're the same, she wants to say, we're both liars. both weak. i don't know how to be a whole person, do you?
but she knows that trying to lie to herself and ai about this any more is only going to make this worse, that it's only going to delay the explosion and multiply the damage it leaves. so... ]
[ kotone mirrors that little nod, swallowing a lump in her throat. ]
Okay.
[ she shifts forward with an apparent ease that she certainly doesn't feel, propping a bit of her weight onto the hand on ai's knee as she brings their lips together. it's tentative, for the moment. leaving ai the room to return the gesture or back away as she sees fit. almost unconsciously, though, her fingers play at the end of a lock of ai's hair. ]
Edited (sorry just looked at this again and noticed something that bothered me) 2024-02-04 01:09 (UTC)
[ Ai's heart doesn't so much as stumble this time as it does full on stall. Her breath does, too. In fact, everything seems to pause. That first tentative moment of contact seems to stretch out far longer than surely it must have. Somewhere back in the living room, the cheery hum of the TV meets her ears like a flat drone.
Ai knows what Kotone likes. What kinds of girls she likes. She's not stupid - she's seen the same pink-tinged desire in just as many of the girls who come to see her as she does the men. And B-Komachi is a gachikoi group to start with. Anyone who gravitates towards it comes along because they've fallen for her, at least a little bit.
Somehow it'd never occurred to her that that might extend to Kotone, too. That one of the girls she'd liked might be her.
When that thought finally clicks into place, the world unpauses. Her heart goes tripping back into motion, at twice its normal speed. And Ai pulls back, breaking that point of connection first though not with any sort of urgency - nothing that implies revulsion or rejection.
Her expression is so innocently uncomprehending that you could almost call it pure. ]
... Kotone-chan...
[ For the first time in a long while, Ai doesn't have any idea what she should say. ]
[ of course it wouldn't. kotone hasn't even been to any of ai's events, apart from getting dragged here or there backstage for some reason or another. she's never watched her on stage directly, not really. she doesn't give a damn about b-komachi, she cares about ai. not b-komachi's ai, not the dazzling center everyone loves, but the real girl in front of her now—hoshino ai, ai-chan, the first person in that damned place who understood her.
it feels good not to be in denial about it, now.
when ai breaks off—what honestly feels strange to call a kiss—kotone stays close. her hand is on ai's cheek, fingertips lightly callused. ]
... I know that was... a bad idea, but I just— [ she starts talking before she can think, or even really process the way ai is looking at her now. finally though, she meets ai's gaze, and her heart flutters. the words die in her throat. there's silence, for a long moment. it's clear that ai's utterly at a loss here. ]
Ai-chan. [ when was the last time she called her that? they couldn't have been much older than ten. the words are quiet, shaky at the edges. ] I... want to help you, you know? I want to protect you. But I'm a liar, just like you, so all I can think to do is... help you tell your lies. And then maybe here, maybe...
[ The rhythm of her heartbeat doesn't seem quite ready to fall back in time, yet. She can hear it pounding in her ears, almost too loud for her to hear past but even though it should be drowning out Kotone's words, they're all she can hear. Anchors in whatever storm is beginning to brew in her head.
Of course Kotone's a liar. She's just like Ai and anybody who's even a little like Ai can't be anything but a liar. Strange as it might seem to anyone else, that's exactly why they can trust each other. When there's no expectations of honesty, it makes it easier to find moments to stop lying.
That's why things had worked with Hikaru. Until they hadn't. And now they don't talk anymore and the prospect of that whole mess repeating with Kotone, as surely it would, because Ai never learns -
Her heart sits squarely in her throat and she has to choke it back down before she can get any words out. ]
Kotone-chan, if you want me to love you, I... can't do that. [ The words come spilling all in a rush, like she needs to get them out as soon as she can. ] And it's not because of you, and I- I can try if you really want, but I don't know if I can do that for you. I don't know if I can do it for anyone.
[ of course that's her answer. she didn't expect anything else, even if she hoped, but—
god. it's a good thing ai didn't namedrop hikaru, at least. that would bring the conversation screeching to a halt. for the most part, kamiki's been a subject to tiptoe around, apart from making ai aware of the broad strokes of what happened at the hospital that day.
those eyes, like voids of light, still haunt her. ]
I don't—need you to. [ it spills out just as quickly, before ai's even done talking, and she wonders if she's retreating even as she says it, but it... feels like the truth. the important part of the truth, anyway. either way, kotone draws back slightly, pulling her hands back into her lap.
she's a selfish, clumsy thing who ruins everything she touches. nothing new.]
I don't want to put more expectations on you. I don't want to make anything harder. That's the last thing I want. Ai-chan, I meant what I said, I just—I want to be here for you. I want to help you.
[ It doesn't make sense at all. Making people love her is what Ai's supposed to do - loving them in return had been the entire point of becoming an idol in the first place. It's what people want from her. It's why they can't step out of her light once they're caught up in it, the proverbial moths to a flame.
If Kotone doesn't want that, then what does she want? What could Ai possibly give her? If she says all she wants is to be here, with Ai and the twins, then isn't it beyond selfish of Ai to let her do that? To take, take, take with no promise or even any hope of being able to ever reciprocate?
The thoughts churn in her head, inky and dark. She sits with them for a long stretch of quiet, carefully clicking the words together before she lets them come out of her head. She has to say this right. It can't just be what she thinks Kotone wants to hear.
She has to know what Kotone wants full stop before she can try any of that. ]
That's really enough for you?
[ Her hands curl into loose fists in her lap. ]
If you just give, give, give like that and I can't give anything back then... isn't that the same way it goes with everyone else? I... don't want it to be like that. With us. But if you're happy giving then... is that really okay?
[ kotone's silent for a long, slow moment as she digests what ai is saying. they really are the same, aren't they?
finally, she huffs out a wet chuckle, rubbing her eyes. none of this is funny, but— ]
... Ai, you—you really don't know how much you've already given me, do you? I... yeah, I feel the way I do, about you, but... [ the old honorific's gone. the comfort from wrapping this in their childhood dynamic is fraying fast. she trails off, closes her eyes, takes a breath. when she reopens them, she rests a hand on the back of ai's own. the words pour out like a steady rain. ]
If... if you ever think you can return it, I'll be here. Same if you decide you can't. Or if you're never sure. I'll be here no matter what. You, Saitou, Miyako, Ruby, Aqua, you're—you're all the closest thing I have to family. I owe you all so much... especially you, Ai. I'm not giving that up for anything.
She rolls the word around in her head, trying to discern the shape of it. It's still mostly a totally foreign concept. After all, she'd never known what having one was like until she'd gone and made her own and even now, she's still trying to figure things out. She knows, at least, that it means her and Aqua and Ruby... but it had never occurred to her that anyone else might fit as well. And she'd certainly never dreamed she'd fit into anyone else's.
Hoshino Ai doesn't fit in anywhere, after all. Not even the places she tries to make for herself.
But, here... with Kotone and Saitou and Miyako... there's a place for her and Aqua and Ruby. If she wants it.
Ai pulls in a breath. ]
... Then...
[ She turns her hand over so Kotone's hand can settle into it properly. ]
For now, is it okay if things stay like this? With you here with me and Aqua and Ruby. Where we come back home and talk about our days and we cook and laugh and... don't worry about anybody else. I didn't think I'd ever get to have something like it and now I've got it... I don't think I want to give it up either.
tagging back two months later to basically just end the thread. idk either
[ this time, she doesn't laugh. she barely breathes. the long silences are the hardest part of this, and as familiar as ai's tells can be, it's not as if kotone can read her thoughts. still, when ai finally starts to speak and turns her hand over? she lets her hand rest in ai's, stroking her thumb once across her palm as it settles into place, before squeezing. ]
That's more than okay. It's pretty much perfect. [ that, finally, gets the slightest huff outwards through her nose. ] Like I said, y'know? I'm not giving that up for anything.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Maybe Kotone's different, sure. Maybe Ai's got it all wrong. But she doesn't feel great banking on a maybe. ]
Kotone-chan.
[ Ai sets down her chopsticks and turns in her seat. Her voice is firmer and lower than it usually is; not lacking warmth at all but no-nonsense. ]
Can you turn and look at me properly?
[ So we can talk for real. ]
no subject
finally, she nods, placing her own chopsticks down, turning in her seat to face the girl next to her. ]
... Seems so, yeah...? [ despite the mood, and the strain in her voice, her own stupid line has her cracking up ever so slightly as she says it. it's hard to stay entirely caught in her own head, when ai's trying to connect with her. ]
no subject
[ One corner of her mouth tugs up but she can't even manage a half-hearted laugh when Kotone sounds so strained.
Her hands curl into fists. She feels like she should reach out and take Kotone's hand or something like that but would that be a bit much? Would she be keeping her trapped in a conversation she doesn't want to be having?
After a moment of clear hesitation, she reaches out and carefully sets a hand on Kotone's knee. ]
You know I'm really glad to have you here, right? With me and Aqua and Ruby. It'd be way too lonely without you living here too.
no subject
Ai... [ she tries to find the right words. tries to dig deep for how to handle this. ] ... I'm... really glad to be here, too. Believe it or not, I don't think I've ever been this happy? I just... I mean, you remember how it was. You and the others aren't like that, but... [ don't make too many waves. give them a reason to want you around. the things you learn to survive stick with you. she weaves a hand back through her own hair, trying to dispel her nerves, before meeting ai's gaze again.
only one way through this, she thinks. her own hand settles on ai's knee in return, and she goes silent for a moment, staying close.
her voice is quiet, when she speaks again. just for the two of them. like breaking this silence feels somehow wrong. ]
... Hey, Ai. Since it's just us... can I try something? [ she catches her eyes flicking down towards ai's lips. it doesn't have to mean anything. if it isn't good, for whatever reason, then they can pretend what comes next never happened. ]
no subject
Her chest constricts a little. For a horrible, ugly moment she feels just a little jealous. Even at a time like this, she can't ever really be honest like that. Even now, when Ai had been the one to try and push this talk, she's still thinking of what pretty lies she can tell to make it all go away.
She swallows hard and chases that bitterness back down into her stomach. No. It's not Kotone's fault she's like this. ]
Mm. [ She says that with a little nod. She doesn't really trust her voice right now. ] You can. ... Since it's just us.
1/2
but she knows that trying to lie to herself and ai about this any more is only going to make this worse, that it's only going to delay the explosion and multiply the damage it leaves. so... ]
2/2
Okay.
[ she shifts forward with an apparent ease that she certainly doesn't feel, propping a bit of her weight onto the hand on ai's knee as she brings their lips together. it's tentative, for the moment. leaving ai the room to return the gesture or back away as she sees fit. almost unconsciously, though, her fingers play at the end of a lock of ai's hair. ]
no subject
Ai knows what Kotone likes. What kinds of girls she likes. She's not stupid - she's seen the same pink-tinged desire in just as many of the girls who come to see her as she does the men. And B-Komachi is a gachikoi group to start with. Anyone who gravitates towards it comes along because they've fallen for her, at least a little bit.
Somehow it'd never occurred to her that that might extend to Kotone, too. That one of the girls she'd liked might be her.
When that thought finally clicks into place, the world unpauses. Her heart goes tripping back into motion, at twice its normal speed. And Ai pulls back, breaking that point of connection first though not with any sort of urgency - nothing that implies revulsion or rejection.
Her expression is so innocently uncomprehending that you could almost call it pure. ]
... Kotone-chan...
[ For the first time in a long while, Ai doesn't have any idea what she should say. ]
no subject
it feels good not to be in denial about it, now.
when ai breaks off—what honestly feels strange to call a kiss—kotone stays close. her hand is on ai's cheek, fingertips lightly callused. ]
... I know that was... a bad idea, but I just— [ she starts talking before she can think, or even really process the way ai is looking at her now. finally though, she meets ai's gaze, and her heart flutters. the words die in her throat. there's silence, for a long moment. it's clear that ai's utterly at a loss here. ]
Ai-chan. [ when was the last time she called her that? they couldn't have been much older than ten. the words are quiet, shaky at the edges. ] I... want to help you, you know? I want to protect you. But I'm a liar, just like you, so all I can think to do is... help you tell your lies. And then maybe here, maybe...
[ maybe we can learn to be honest, too. ]
no subject
Of course Kotone's a liar. She's just like Ai and anybody who's even a little like Ai can't be anything but a liar. Strange as it might seem to anyone else, that's exactly why they can trust each other. When there's no expectations of honesty, it makes it easier to find moments to stop lying.
That's why things had worked with Hikaru. Until they hadn't. And now they don't talk anymore and the prospect of that whole mess repeating with Kotone, as surely it would, because Ai never learns -
Her heart sits squarely in her throat and she has to choke it back down before she can get any words out. ]
Kotone-chan, if you want me to love you, I... can't do that. [ The words come spilling all in a rush, like she needs to get them out as soon as she can. ] And it's not because of you, and I- I can try if you really want, but I don't know if I can do that for you. I don't know if I can do it for anyone.
no subject
god. it's a good thing ai didn't namedrop hikaru, at least. that would bring the conversation screeching to a halt. for the most part, kamiki's been a subject to tiptoe around, apart from making ai aware of the broad strokes of what happened at the hospital that day.
those eyes, like voids of light, still haunt her. ]
I don't—need you to. [ it spills out just as quickly, before ai's even done talking, and she wonders if she's retreating even as she says it, but it... feels like the truth. the important part of the truth, anyway. either way, kotone draws back slightly, pulling her hands back into her lap.
she's a selfish, clumsy thing who ruins everything she touches. nothing new.]I don't want to put more expectations on you. I don't want to make anything harder. That's the last thing I want. Ai-chan, I meant what I said, I just—I want to be here for you. I want to help you.
[ i want to protect you from him. ]
no subject
If Kotone doesn't want that, then what does she want? What could Ai possibly give her? If she says all she wants is to be here, with Ai and the twins, then isn't it beyond selfish of Ai to let her do that? To take, take, take with no promise or even any hope of being able to ever reciprocate?
The thoughts churn in her head, inky and dark. She sits with them for a long stretch of quiet, carefully clicking the words together before she lets them come out of her head. She has to say this right. It can't just be what she thinks Kotone wants to hear.
She has to know what Kotone wants full stop before she can try any of that. ]
That's really enough for you?
[ Her hands curl into loose fists in her lap. ]
If you just give, give, give like that and I can't give anything back then... isn't that the same way it goes with everyone else? I... don't want it to be like that. With us. But if you're happy giving then... is that really okay?
no subject
finally, she huffs out a wet chuckle, rubbing her eyes. none of this is funny, but— ]
... Ai, you—you really don't know how much you've already given me, do you? I... yeah, I feel the way I do, about you, but... [ the old honorific's gone. the comfort from wrapping this in their childhood dynamic is fraying fast. she trails off, closes her eyes, takes a breath. when she reopens them, she rests a hand on the back of ai's own. the words pour out like a steady rain. ]
If... if you ever think you can return it, I'll be here. Same if you decide you can't. Or if you're never sure. I'll be here no matter what. You, Saitou, Miyako, Ruby, Aqua, you're—you're all the closest thing I have to family. I owe you all so much... especially you, Ai. I'm not giving that up for anything.
no subject
She rolls the word around in her head, trying to discern the shape of it. It's still mostly a totally foreign concept. After all, she'd never known what having one was like until she'd gone and made her own and even now, she's still trying to figure things out. She knows, at least, that it means her and Aqua and Ruby... but it had never occurred to her that anyone else might fit as well. And she'd certainly never dreamed she'd fit into anyone else's.
Hoshino Ai doesn't fit in anywhere, after all. Not even the places she tries to make for herself.
But, here... with Kotone and Saitou and Miyako... there's a place for her and Aqua and Ruby. If she wants it.
Ai pulls in a breath. ]
... Then...
[ She turns her hand over so Kotone's hand can settle into it properly. ]
For now, is it okay if things stay like this? With you here with me and Aqua and Ruby. Where we come back home and talk about our days and we cook and laugh and... don't worry about anybody else. I didn't think I'd ever get to have something like it and now I've got it... I don't think I want to give it up either.
tagging back two months later to basically just end the thread. idk either
That's more than okay. It's pretty much perfect. [ that, finally, gets the slightest huff outwards through her nose. ] Like I said, y'know? I'm not giving that up for anything.