[ Success. Kotone's one of her favourite people to prod and poke in the manner of a little kid pulling pigtails in grade school, but it's not that often she gets a full on laugh out of her. The wattage of her grin only goes up once Kotone actually goes and joins in and Ai realizes she's got a full on running bit on her hands. Practicing being able to establish this kind of rapport is important to keep up even in her off time and it's certainly not because she wants to get another laugh like that out of Kotone.
Of course not. ]
I see, I see! So Shiomi-san's a natural on the camera as well as in the kitchen! Very impressive! What's your thoughts, boy genius companion?
[ Aqua burbles something definitely comprehendible into the microphone and Ai takes over with enthusiasm. ]
Excellent question! What will we be doing with the chicken?
[ oh, she could get used to seeing ai smile like that—wait, where the hell did that come from? kotone's eyes stay on ai's face just a second too long, as she clears her throat. ]
Wellll, since Aqua-kun asked. We'll be breading and frying it! We have vegetable oil going in our dutch oven there— [ a gesture to the stove— ] and getting them ready is sooo simple. We've got our marinated chunks of chicken, and we're gonna... dredge em in flour, [ she demonstrates with one piece as she goes, ] dip 'em in our egg wash, [ and again, ] and finally, cover 'em in breadcrumbs. You can season these however you want, too. [ aaaand there's one piece of chicken ready to fry! she repeats the process until the whole container's prepped, then dips a chopstick in the oil, humming and nodding at the bubbles that come up around it. ]
So we'll get these in the oil—Ai, step back, seriously— [ the oil doesn't spatter much at all when the food starts going in, mercifully, but still. the bit slips for a second all the same. ] and once they're golden-brown, they're ready! We'll do them in batches, about 90 seconds each time, then get them out with our skimmer and let them cool on this wire rack... [ she glances at the timer for the daikon and shuts it off with a few seconds to spare, pouring the water out of the bowl before she turns her attention back to the chicken. ]
[ You'd think that having Aqua in her arms would anchor her a little, but Ai flits about the kitchen so lightly and gracefully you could forget she's buoyed down by gravity. Some of it just comes with being an idol, of course – when she's flipped the switch in her brain that puts her in B-Komachi Mode, it almost seems like nothing's impossible for her. But most of it seems to come from something a little simpler – the enjoyment of bobbing around the kitchen while Kotone's in her element, with Aqua chattering away along with the both of them.
It's... fun. Not the sort of fun she thought she'd be having after the twins were born. But still. ]
A well-oiled machine! [ She nods enthusiastically in approval, then– ] Right, Aqua? Isn't Shiomi-san suuuuuper impressive?
[ She nods a few more times, enough for Aqua to get the picture and nod along with her. That's her boy genius. ]
There you have it! There's no arguing with our boy genius companion, huh? Would you say this is a recipe simple enough for everyone at home to follow along with?
[ kotone can't quite shake the smile on her face. she's always been—basically immune to ai in her idol mode, she thinks. she knows ai too well to be fully taken in by it. it's not a matter of ai being a liar, it's just the nature of selling a persona like that. (ai would probably laugh if she saw the flawless, excitable overachiever image that kotone presents at school, really.)
but this is different. it's using the idol mode as a way to... layer what they're doing, to enhance the simple fun of all of this. it's almost easy to forget the weight of the outside world, for a moment. she huffs another laugh, eyes bright as she watches ai and aqua before looking back to her work. ]
Aww, Ai-san, you're both too kind! Especially youuu, Aqua-kun. [ still smiling. god damn it. ] And mmhmm, I think so! At least, it'll carry you through frying something... [ and hey, frying is intimidating to do. kotone rocks on her heels, starting to pull golden, still-dripping karaage out with the skimmer and set it aside on the rack to cool and dry. the process doesn't take long at all, with how quickly the oil cooks them through. she turns off the stove and shifts the pot to a cooler eye. ]
Aaaand that's our karaage. Now... [ she takes a breath, heading back to the cutting boards. ] Here's the easy part? Our daikon's ready, and we've got these shiso and mizuna... so we'll just prep our greens like this... [ five cm lengths of mizuna, chiffonading the shiso, and adding them to the bowl with the daikon. ] Aaaand we'll cut the seed out of this umeboshi, then mince it up and mix it into our yuzupon for a dressing. And we're done! [ kotone grins, turning to look at ai properly as she starts moving things to the sink. ]
I still think frying is a little too much for me... but I could easily manage a salad! In fact, you've made this whole thing seem so easy that even Aqua could manage it!
[ which says a whole lot more about her cooking than it does anything else.
Some of the sparkle fades – or rather, her radiance dims back to its usual levels and she settles Aqua back onto her shoulder more comfortably. She'd been dialling it up before and making a whole production of it but now with all that dazzling light dimmed, her smile takes on a more honest shape. ]
It really does look super good, you know. And it smells even better! You wouldn't think something that's just chicken and a couple things on top would be so tasty, huh?
[ She titters to herself and starts making her way back over to the living room. ]
You can go ahead and eat first if you want! Now Aqua's had some food, it's time for him to go down and take a little nap with Ruby too.
[ kotone can't help but mirror that smile. just like she can't help but watch ai walk away, as the atmosphere settles back down to normal. just like she can't help but think she's even prettier when it's real.
oh, fuck.
no. no, no, this is a problem, right? kotone wants to push back a little, to say no, i'll wait, get him set down, it's okay, but what would her reason for that be? what good would that do her? she wants to eat dinner together with her, but suddenly, she doesn't trust her motivations. she catches herself staring downwards with her back towards ai, hands splayed on the counter next to the sink.
what would saitou and miyako say? what would ai say? she's never made a secret of her preferences, really, but a weight settles in her stomach. that can't be what she's feeling. better to strangle that emotion before it poisons everything around her. finally, she realizes she's been quiet far too long. the cheer in her voice is brittle, now, when she finally speaks, and she turns on the faucet just a little too hard as she starts to busy herself. ]
No, uh—it's okay, really! I'll handle some of the dishes and set the table. If he's not asleep in about ten minutes, I'll go ahead and start eating, okay?
[ It's Kotone's voice rather than her silence that makes Ai pause at the threshold of the living room and glance back at her. It'd been bright and buoyant a moment ago but something about it has changed and she doesn't quite know what. In a lot of ways, Kotone's a little like her - her smiles and cheer all mean different things sometimes and Ai's never one hundred percent sure she knows exactly what. Her lips part like she might ask something — but then Aqua's fingers curl into her hair and tug politely in the way they do when he wants attention and accordingly, all Ai's focus goes to him. ]
Ooh, am I keeping my boy genius awake? My bad, my bad...
[ She carries him through and settles him into the crib beside Ruby, still dozing away after her own feed. It takes a few minutes of soothing for him to finally sleep himself and while he does, she lets herself mull things over. Coming home from school and looking after Ai and the twins must be tiring, right? Maybe she's taking it for granted — or worse, she's taking Kotone herself for granted. How does she fix that?
Once both the twins are off to sleep, Ai drifts back to the kitchen, hitching her usual smile back on as best she can. ]
Alright, they're both recharging...! I didn't keep you hanging on, did I?
[ she can't quite bring herself to look directly at ai, before she leaves the room. even so, she catches the apparent pause. the moment where she seems to debate saying something. mercifully, aqua saves her the mortification.
everything's plated on the kitchen's bar, two places set next to one another. chicken, salad, tea, utensils, and glasses of ice water. kotone takes a breath, looking up and doing her best to mirror ai's efforts at a smile... then after a beat, lets it drop. what's the point in the mask, right now? ]
No, no, you're just in time. C'mere. [ she gestures to the seat next to her, offering a very slight smile. she is glad to see her, glad to get to share this moment with her. there's no hiding that. ]
[ Everything's laid out so nicely and Ai once again feels that twinge in her chest — that Kotone comes home and does all this work for her and the twins even after working hard at school all day. She wonders if there's other things she'd rather be doing with her free time, if she'd rather be at school doing clubs and whatever else makes high school such a rose tinted time of people's lives. Kotone's here because she chose to be, right? That's what Ai would like to think. But she can't help but worry sometimes if it's harder on her than it needs to be.
But of course, she's smiling away as she takes her seat next to Kotone, like the concern hadn't passed through her mind at all. ]
Ooh, the way you laid it all out, it looks even tastier than it already smelled. I know music's your thing but if you ever decided you wanted to run a restaurant, I bet you'd seriously kill it!
[ She gives Kotone a wink — because she really cannot turn that kind of thing off even if she tries — and plucks her chopsticks from beside her plate. ]
... Thanks, though. Seriously. I know you said you did a bunch of prep at the weekend, but it must be a pain that I can't do this kind of thing when you're at school.
[ she's had a chance to take a breath by the time ai comes back in. the smile she offers in return is a little dulled compared to usual, but... genuine. warm. kotone bumps her shoulder against ai's, laughing quietly at the compliment as she takes up her own chopsticks.
she picks up a piece of chicken, trying it with a pleased hum, before dipping it in the sauce on her plate and finishing it with another bite. ]
It's really okay. I'd be doing this even if I was living alone, I think? And I know you're crazy busy as it is, so... I dunno. [ a breath, avoiding eye contact as she focuses on her food. yeah, there's her excuse. a sip of tea, a bite of salad, as she considers. ] I just wanna be here for you, Ai. We've... both dealt with a lot, so...
[ none of what she's saying is quite right. it's not quite enough. but it's not a lie, either. ]
[ It's easier to talk when they're not looking each other in the face, which probably says something about Ai that she's not quite ready to try and untangle just yet. She's got her focus all on her food to start with but then her gaze strays back up to Kotone's face — relieved and a little guilty for feeling so that she doesn't end up meeting Kotone's eyes when she does.
Was she always this bad at talking with Kotone face to face back when they were young? There's no way, right? So what changed?
She swallows and makes herself go back to her food before she speaks. ]
Then it should go both ways, shouldn't it? If we've both dealt with a lot, then we should be looking out for each other.
[ Ah. That sounded a bit too heavy, so she makes herself laugh, like she can trick the mood into being lighter by pretending it already is. ]
Maybe I'll start taking cooking lessons! Then I can cook you up a whole gourmet meal whenever you get home.
[ self-loathing roils in her chest as ai says that. it's a familiar feeling, but one that hollows her out and chills her to her core.
kotone swallows, still looking at nothing in particular. she manages to keep using her chopsticks, but her free hand grips a handful of her own skirt as she lowers her head. ai's gone far enough for her already, further than she ever could have asked for. a breath, and the mask is back on. ]
Come on, you have enough to worry about, right? [it sounds nice.] It's really okay. I'm not really in the industry for real yet, [but i'm nobody.] and if I'm not keeping busy, I don't know what to do with myself, haha! [i have to show you that i can do this. i can't let saitou regret it. i can't let you regret it.
the mask cracks, and kotone takes a deep, shaky breath. she's never been able to fool ai, even if they can't always read each other in the details. but she has to try anyway. even if she's just clinging to the last scraps.
it had been a nice evening, and she's ruined it, hasn't she? stupid, stupid— ]
So, just... leave it to me, okay? [please don't make me a burden.]
[ Ai's no good at reading people. She never has been and she never will be, no matter how hard she tries. She's made her peace with faking it until she makes it, even if making it is pretty far out of her reach. But with Kotone... maybe it's just because they've known each other so long or because they're around each other all the time. Maybe it's because Kotone goes bright and loud and then dull and quiet in all the same rhythms that Ai herself does and she knows what those moments of quiet mean for herself.
Maybe Kotone's different, sure. Maybe Ai's got it all wrong. But she doesn't feel great banking on a maybe. ]
Kotone-chan.
[ Ai sets down her chopsticks and turns in her seat. Her voice is firmer and lower than it usually is; not lacking warmth at all but no-nonsense. ]
[ there's a moment, however brief, where the change in ai's tone makes kotone tense up even further. she'd assumed they were past the old girlhood honorifics, but—no. no, that isn't the point. there's an effort here to reach out. she's not blind to it. kotone closes her eyes and forces her hands to relax, before drawing a deep breath, holding it for a beat, then letting go. she repeats that once, twice.
finally, she nods, placing her own chopsticks down, turning in her seat to face the girl next to her. ]
... Seems so, yeah...? [ despite the mood, and the strain in her voice, her own stupid line has her cracking up ever so slightly as she says it. it's hard to stay entirely caught in her own head, when ai's trying to connect with her. ]
[ One corner of her mouth tugs up but she can't even manage a half-hearted laugh when Kotone sounds so strained.
Her hands curl into fists. She feels like she should reach out and take Kotone's hand or something like that but would that be a bit much? Would she be keeping her trapped in a conversation she doesn't want to be having?
After a moment of clear hesitation, she reaches out and carefully sets a hand on Kotone's knee. ]
You know I'm really glad to have you here, right? With me and Aqua and Ruby. It'd be way too lonely without you living here too.
[ the hesitation doesn't make her doubt ai. far from it. she knows all too well that the truth is hard, and finding the right way to say it is even harder. kotone's eyes widen ever so slightly at the contact, and she finds herself leaning closer towards ai. ]
Ai... [ she tries to find the right words. tries to dig deep for how to handle this. ] ... I'm... really glad to be here, too. Believe it or not, I don't think I've ever been this happy? I just... I mean, you remember how it was. You and the others aren't like that, but... [don't make too many waves. give them a reason to want you around. the things you learn to survive stick with you. she weaves a hand back through her own hair, trying to dispel her nerves, before meeting ai's gaze again.
only one way through this, she thinks. her own hand settles on ai's knee in return, and she goes silent for a moment, staying close.
her voice is quiet, when she speaks again. just for the two of them. like breaking this silence feels somehow wrong. ]
... Hey, Ai. Since it's just us... can I try something? [ she catches her eyes flicking down towards ai's lips. it doesn't have to mean anything. if it isn't good, for whatever reason, then they can pretend what comes next never happened. ]
[ Ai's heart stumbles. Her lips part like she means to say something but for the first time in a long while, she can't figure out which words would work best. She's usually so much better at whipping up just the right sort of thing to say or do to smooth over a situation but right now, she's coming up blank - but of course she would. Ai's a liar and Kotone's pouring out her heart so honestly.
Her chest constricts a little. For a horrible, ugly moment she feels just a little jealous. Even at a time like this, she can't ever really be honest like that. Even now, when Ai had been the one to try and push this talk, she's still thinking of what pretty lies she can tell to make it all go away.
She swallows hard and chases that bitterness back down into her stomach. No. It's not Kotone's fault she's like this. ]
Mm. [ She says that with a little nod. She doesn't really trust her voice right now. ] You can. ... Since it's just us.
[ it isn't hard to guess the kind of place ai's mind is going. it's a reflex they usually share. we're the same, she wants to say, we're both liars. both weak. i don't know how to be a whole person, do you?
but she knows that trying to lie to herself and ai about this any more is only going to make this worse, that it's only going to delay the explosion and multiply the damage it leaves. so... ]
[ kotone mirrors that little nod, swallowing a lump in her throat. ]
Okay.
[ she shifts forward with an apparent ease that she certainly doesn't feel, propping a bit of her weight onto the hand on ai's knee as she brings their lips together. it's tentative, for the moment. leaving ai the room to return the gesture or back away as she sees fit. almost unconsciously, though, her fingers play at the end of a lock of ai's hair. ]
Edited (sorry just looked at this again and noticed something that bothered me) 2024-02-04 01:09 (UTC)
[ Ai's heart doesn't so much as stumble this time as it does full on stall. Her breath does, too. In fact, everything seems to pause. That first tentative moment of contact seems to stretch out far longer than surely it must have. Somewhere back in the living room, the cheery hum of the TV meets her ears like a flat drone.
Ai knows what Kotone likes. What kinds of girls she likes. She's not stupid - she's seen the same pink-tinged desire in just as many of the girls who come to see her as she does the men. And B-Komachi is a gachikoi group to start with. Anyone who gravitates towards it comes along because they've fallen for her, at least a little bit.
Somehow it'd never occurred to her that that might extend to Kotone, too. That one of the girls she'd liked might be her.
When that thought finally clicks into place, the world unpauses. Her heart goes tripping back into motion, at twice its normal speed. And Ai pulls back, breaking that point of connection first though not with any sort of urgency - nothing that implies revulsion or rejection.
Her expression is so innocently uncomprehending that you could almost call it pure. ]
... Kotone-chan...
[ For the first time in a long while, Ai doesn't have any idea what she should say. ]
[ of course it wouldn't. kotone hasn't even been to any of ai's events, apart from getting dragged here or there backstage for some reason or another. she's never watched her on stage directly, not really. she doesn't give a damn about b-komachi, she cares about ai. not b-komachi's ai, not the dazzling center everyone loves, but the real girl in front of her now—hoshino ai, ai-chan, the first person in that damned place who understood her.
it feels good not to be in denial about it, now.
when ai breaks off—what honestly feels strange to call a kiss—kotone stays close. her hand is on ai's cheek, fingertips lightly callused. ]
... I know that was... a bad idea, but I just— [ she starts talking before she can think, or even really process the way ai is looking at her now. finally though, she meets ai's gaze, and her heart flutters. the words die in her throat. there's silence, for a long moment. it's clear that ai's utterly at a loss here. ]
Ai-chan. [ when was the last time she called her that? they couldn't have been much older than ten. the words are quiet, shaky at the edges. ] I... want to help you, you know? I want to protect you. But I'm a liar, just like you, so all I can think to do is... help you tell your lies. And then maybe here, maybe...
[ The rhythm of her heartbeat doesn't seem quite ready to fall back in time, yet. She can hear it pounding in her ears, almost too loud for her to hear past but even though it should be drowning out Kotone's words, they're all she can hear. Anchors in whatever storm is beginning to brew in her head.
Of course Kotone's a liar. She's just like Ai and anybody who's even a little like Ai can't be anything but a liar. Strange as it might seem to anyone else, that's exactly why they can trust each other. When there's no expectations of honesty, it makes it easier to find moments to stop lying.
That's why things had worked with Hikaru. Until they hadn't. And now they don't talk anymore and the prospect of that whole mess repeating with Kotone, as surely it would, because Ai never learns -
Her heart sits squarely in her throat and she has to choke it back down before she can get any words out. ]
Kotone-chan, if you want me to love you, I... can't do that. [ The words come spilling all in a rush, like she needs to get them out as soon as she can. ] And it's not because of you, and I- I can try if you really want, but I don't know if I can do that for you. I don't know if I can do it for anyone.
[ of course that's her answer. she didn't expect anything else, even if she hoped, but—
god. it's a good thing ai didn't namedrop hikaru, at least. that would bring the conversation screeching to a halt. for the most part, kamiki's been a subject to tiptoe around, apart from making ai aware of the broad strokes of what happened at the hospital that day.
those eyes, like voids of light, still haunt her. ]
I don't—need you to. [ it spills out just as quickly, before ai's even done talking, and she wonders if she's retreating even as she says it, but it... feels like the truth. the important part of the truth, anyway. either way, kotone draws back slightly, pulling her hands back into her lap.
she's a selfish, clumsy thing who ruins everything she touches. nothing new.]
I don't want to put more expectations on you. I don't want to make anything harder. That's the last thing I want. Ai-chan, I meant what I said, I just—I want to be here for you. I want to help you.
[ It doesn't make sense at all. Making people love her is what Ai's supposed to do - loving them in return had been the entire point of becoming an idol in the first place. It's what people want from her. It's why they can't step out of her light once they're caught up in it, the proverbial moths to a flame.
If Kotone doesn't want that, then what does she want? What could Ai possibly give her? If she says all she wants is to be here, with Ai and the twins, then isn't it beyond selfish of Ai to let her do that? To take, take, take with no promise or even any hope of being able to ever reciprocate?
The thoughts churn in her head, inky and dark. She sits with them for a long stretch of quiet, carefully clicking the words together before she lets them come out of her head. She has to say this right. It can't just be what she thinks Kotone wants to hear.
She has to know what Kotone wants full stop before she can try any of that. ]
That's really enough for you?
[ Her hands curl into loose fists in her lap. ]
If you just give, give, give like that and I can't give anything back then... isn't that the same way it goes with everyone else? I... don't want it to be like that. With us. But if you're happy giving then... is that really okay?
[ kotone's silent for a long, slow moment as she digests what ai is saying. they really are the same, aren't they?
finally, she huffs out a wet chuckle, rubbing her eyes. none of this is funny, but— ]
... Ai, you—you really don't know how much you've already given me, do you? I... yeah, I feel the way I do, about you, but... [ the old honorific's gone. the comfort from wrapping this in their childhood dynamic is fraying fast. she trails off, closes her eyes, takes a breath. when she reopens them, she rests a hand on the back of ai's own. the words pour out like a steady rain. ]
If... if you ever think you can return it, I'll be here. Same if you decide you can't. Or if you're never sure. I'll be here no matter what. You, Saitou, Miyako, Ruby, Aqua, you're—you're all the closest thing I have to family. I owe you all so much... especially you, Ai. I'm not giving that up for anything.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Of course not. ]
I see, I see! So Shiomi-san's a natural on the camera as well as in the kitchen! Very impressive! What's your thoughts, boy genius companion?
[ Aqua burbles something definitely comprehendible into the microphone and Ai takes over with enthusiasm. ]
Excellent question! What will we be doing with the chicken?
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Wellll, since Aqua-kun asked. We'll be breading and frying it! We have vegetable oil going in our dutch oven there— [ a gesture to the stove— ] and getting them ready is sooo simple. We've got our marinated chunks of chicken, and we're gonna... dredge em in flour, [ she demonstrates with one piece as she goes, ] dip 'em in our egg wash, [ and again, ] and finally, cover 'em in breadcrumbs. You can season these however you want, too. [ aaaand there's one piece of chicken ready to fry! she repeats the process until the whole container's prepped, then dips a chopstick in the oil, humming and nodding at the bubbles that come up around it. ]
So we'll get these in the oil—Ai, step back, seriously— [ the oil doesn't spatter much at all when the food starts going in, mercifully, but still. the bit slips for a second all the same. ] and once they're golden-brown, they're ready! We'll do them in batches, about 90 seconds each time, then get them out with our skimmer and let them cool on this wire rack... [ she glances at the timer for the daikon and shuts it off with a few seconds to spare, pouring the water out of the bowl before she turns her attention back to the chicken. ]
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It's... fun. Not the sort of fun she thought she'd be having after the twins were born. But still. ]
A well-oiled machine! [ She nods enthusiastically in approval, then– ] Right, Aqua? Isn't Shiomi-san suuuuuper impressive?
[ She nods a few more times, enough for Aqua to get the picture and nod along with her. That's her boy genius. ]
There you have it! There's no arguing with our boy genius companion, huh? Would you say this is a recipe simple enough for everyone at home to follow along with?
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but this is different. it's using the idol mode as a way to... layer what they're doing, to enhance the simple fun of all of this. it's almost easy to forget the weight of the outside world, for a moment. she huffs another laugh, eyes bright as she watches ai and aqua before looking back to her work. ]
Aww, Ai-san, you're both too kind! Especially youuu, Aqua-kun. [ still smiling. god damn it. ] And mmhmm, I think so! At least, it'll carry you through frying something... [ and hey, frying is intimidating to do. kotone rocks on her heels, starting to pull golden, still-dripping karaage out with the skimmer and set it aside on the rack to cool and dry. the process doesn't take long at all, with how quickly the oil cooks them through. she turns off the stove and shifts the pot to a cooler eye. ]
Aaaand that's our karaage. Now... [ she takes a breath, heading back to the cutting boards. ] Here's the easy part? Our daikon's ready, and we've got these shiso and mizuna... so we'll just prep our greens like this... [ five cm lengths of mizuna, chiffonading the shiso, and adding them to the bowl with the daikon. ] Aaaand we'll cut the seed out of this umeboshi, then mince it up and mix it into our yuzupon for a dressing. And we're done! [ kotone grins, turning to look at ai properly as she starts moving things to the sink. ]
Make yourself a plate, if you want?
no subject
[ which says a whole lot more about her cooking than it does anything else.
Some of the sparkle fades – or rather, her radiance dims back to its usual levels and she settles Aqua back onto her shoulder more comfortably. She'd been dialling it up before and making a whole production of it but now with all that dazzling light dimmed, her smile takes on a more honest shape. ]
It really does look super good, you know. And it smells even better! You wouldn't think something that's just chicken and a couple things on top would be so tasty, huh?
[ She titters to herself and starts making her way back over to the living room. ]
You can go ahead and eat first if you want! Now Aqua's had some food, it's time for him to go down and take a little nap with Ruby too.
no subject
oh, fuck.
no. no, no, this is a problem, right? kotone wants to push back a little, to say no, i'll wait, get him set down, it's okay, but what would her reason for that be? what good would that do her? she wants to eat dinner together with her, but suddenly, she doesn't trust her motivations. she catches herself staring downwards with her back towards ai, hands splayed on the counter next to the sink.
what would saitou and miyako say? what would ai say? she's never made a secret of her preferences, really, but a weight settles in her stomach. that can't be what she's feeling. better to strangle that emotion before it poisons everything around her. finally, she realizes she's been quiet far too long. the cheer in her voice is brittle, now, when she finally speaks, and she turns on the faucet just a little too hard as she starts to busy herself. ]
No, uh—it's okay, really! I'll handle some of the dishes and set the table. If he's not asleep in about ten minutes, I'll go ahead and start eating, okay?
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Ooh, am I keeping my boy genius awake? My bad, my bad...
[ She carries him through and settles him into the crib beside Ruby, still dozing away after her own feed. It takes a few minutes of soothing for him to finally sleep himself and while he does, she lets herself mull things over. Coming home from school and looking after Ai and the twins must be tiring, right? Maybe she's taking it for granted — or worse, she's taking Kotone herself for granted. How does she fix that?
Once both the twins are off to sleep, Ai drifts back to the kitchen, hitching her usual smile back on as best she can. ]
Alright, they're both recharging...! I didn't keep you hanging on, did I?
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everything's plated on the kitchen's bar, two places set next to one another. chicken, salad, tea, utensils, and glasses of ice water. kotone takes a breath, looking up and doing her best to mirror ai's efforts at a smile... then after a beat, lets it drop. what's the point in the mask, right now? ]
No, no, you're just in time. C'mere. [ she gestures to the seat next to her, offering a very slight smile. she is glad to see her, glad to get to share this moment with her. there's no hiding that. ]
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But of course, she's smiling away as she takes her seat next to Kotone, like the concern hadn't passed through her mind at all. ]
Ooh, the way you laid it all out, it looks even tastier than it already smelled. I know music's your thing but if you ever decided you wanted to run a restaurant, I bet you'd seriously kill it!
[ She gives Kotone a wink — because she really cannot turn that kind of thing off even if she tries — and plucks her chopsticks from beside her plate. ]
... Thanks, though. Seriously. I know you said you did a bunch of prep at the weekend, but it must be a pain that I can't do this kind of thing when you're at school.
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she picks up a piece of chicken, trying it with a pleased hum, before dipping it in the sauce on her plate and finishing it with another bite. ]
It's really okay. I'd be doing this even if I was living alone, I think? And I know you're crazy busy as it is, so... I dunno. [ a breath, avoiding eye contact as she focuses on her food. yeah, there's her excuse. a sip of tea, a bite of salad, as she considers. ] I just wanna be here for you, Ai. We've... both dealt with a lot, so...
[ none of what she's saying is quite right. it's not quite enough. but it's not a lie, either. ]
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Was she always this bad at talking with Kotone face to face back when they were young? There's no way, right? So what changed?
She swallows and makes herself go back to her food before she speaks. ]
Then it should go both ways, shouldn't it? If we've both dealt with a lot, then we should be looking out for each other.
[ Ah. That sounded a bit too heavy, so she makes herself laugh, like she can trick the mood into being lighter by pretending it already is. ]
Maybe I'll start taking cooking lessons! Then I can cook you up a whole gourmet meal whenever you get home.
normalest girl
kotone swallows, still looking at nothing in particular. she manages to keep using her chopsticks, but her free hand grips a handful of her own skirt as she lowers her head. ai's gone far enough for her already, further than she ever could have asked for. a breath, and the mask is back on. ]
Come on, you have enough to worry about, right? [ it sounds nice. ] It's really okay. I'm not really in the industry for real yet, [ but i'm nobody. ] and if I'm not keeping busy, I don't know what to do with myself, haha! [ i have to show you that i can do this. i can't let saitou regret it. i can't let you regret it.
the mask cracks, and kotone takes a deep, shaky breath. she's never been able to fool ai, even if they can't always read each other in the details. but she has to try anyway. even if she's just clinging to the last scraps.
it had been a nice evening, and she's ruined it, hasn't she? stupid, stupid— ]
So, just... leave it to me, okay? [ please don't make me a burden. ]
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Maybe Kotone's different, sure. Maybe Ai's got it all wrong. But she doesn't feel great banking on a maybe. ]
Kotone-chan.
[ Ai sets down her chopsticks and turns in her seat. Her voice is firmer and lower than it usually is; not lacking warmth at all but no-nonsense. ]
Can you turn and look at me properly?
[ So we can talk for real. ]
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finally, she nods, placing her own chopsticks down, turning in her seat to face the girl next to her. ]
... Seems so, yeah...? [ despite the mood, and the strain in her voice, her own stupid line has her cracking up ever so slightly as she says it. it's hard to stay entirely caught in her own head, when ai's trying to connect with her. ]
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[ One corner of her mouth tugs up but she can't even manage a half-hearted laugh when Kotone sounds so strained.
Her hands curl into fists. She feels like she should reach out and take Kotone's hand or something like that but would that be a bit much? Would she be keeping her trapped in a conversation she doesn't want to be having?
After a moment of clear hesitation, she reaches out and carefully sets a hand on Kotone's knee. ]
You know I'm really glad to have you here, right? With me and Aqua and Ruby. It'd be way too lonely without you living here too.
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Ai... [ she tries to find the right words. tries to dig deep for how to handle this. ] ... I'm... really glad to be here, too. Believe it or not, I don't think I've ever been this happy? I just... I mean, you remember how it was. You and the others aren't like that, but... [ don't make too many waves. give them a reason to want you around. the things you learn to survive stick with you. she weaves a hand back through her own hair, trying to dispel her nerves, before meeting ai's gaze again.
only one way through this, she thinks. her own hand settles on ai's knee in return, and she goes silent for a moment, staying close.
her voice is quiet, when she speaks again. just for the two of them. like breaking this silence feels somehow wrong. ]
... Hey, Ai. Since it's just us... can I try something? [ she catches her eyes flicking down towards ai's lips. it doesn't have to mean anything. if it isn't good, for whatever reason, then they can pretend what comes next never happened. ]
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Her chest constricts a little. For a horrible, ugly moment she feels just a little jealous. Even at a time like this, she can't ever really be honest like that. Even now, when Ai had been the one to try and push this talk, she's still thinking of what pretty lies she can tell to make it all go away.
She swallows hard and chases that bitterness back down into her stomach. No. It's not Kotone's fault she's like this. ]
Mm. [ She says that with a little nod. She doesn't really trust her voice right now. ] You can. ... Since it's just us.
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but she knows that trying to lie to herself and ai about this any more is only going to make this worse, that it's only going to delay the explosion and multiply the damage it leaves. so... ]
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Okay.
[ she shifts forward with an apparent ease that she certainly doesn't feel, propping a bit of her weight onto the hand on ai's knee as she brings their lips together. it's tentative, for the moment. leaving ai the room to return the gesture or back away as she sees fit. almost unconsciously, though, her fingers play at the end of a lock of ai's hair. ]
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Ai knows what Kotone likes. What kinds of girls she likes. She's not stupid - she's seen the same pink-tinged desire in just as many of the girls who come to see her as she does the men. And B-Komachi is a gachikoi group to start with. Anyone who gravitates towards it comes along because they've fallen for her, at least a little bit.
Somehow it'd never occurred to her that that might extend to Kotone, too. That one of the girls she'd liked might be her.
When that thought finally clicks into place, the world unpauses. Her heart goes tripping back into motion, at twice its normal speed. And Ai pulls back, breaking that point of connection first though not with any sort of urgency - nothing that implies revulsion or rejection.
Her expression is so innocently uncomprehending that you could almost call it pure. ]
... Kotone-chan...
[ For the first time in a long while, Ai doesn't have any idea what she should say. ]
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it feels good not to be in denial about it, now.
when ai breaks off—what honestly feels strange to call a kiss—kotone stays close. her hand is on ai's cheek, fingertips lightly callused. ]
... I know that was... a bad idea, but I just— [ she starts talking before she can think, or even really process the way ai is looking at her now. finally though, she meets ai's gaze, and her heart flutters. the words die in her throat. there's silence, for a long moment. it's clear that ai's utterly at a loss here. ]
Ai-chan. [ when was the last time she called her that? they couldn't have been much older than ten. the words are quiet, shaky at the edges. ] I... want to help you, you know? I want to protect you. But I'm a liar, just like you, so all I can think to do is... help you tell your lies. And then maybe here, maybe...
[ maybe we can learn to be honest, too. ]
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Of course Kotone's a liar. She's just like Ai and anybody who's even a little like Ai can't be anything but a liar. Strange as it might seem to anyone else, that's exactly why they can trust each other. When there's no expectations of honesty, it makes it easier to find moments to stop lying.
That's why things had worked with Hikaru. Until they hadn't. And now they don't talk anymore and the prospect of that whole mess repeating with Kotone, as surely it would, because Ai never learns -
Her heart sits squarely in her throat and she has to choke it back down before she can get any words out. ]
Kotone-chan, if you want me to love you, I... can't do that. [ The words come spilling all in a rush, like she needs to get them out as soon as she can. ] And it's not because of you, and I- I can try if you really want, but I don't know if I can do that for you. I don't know if I can do it for anyone.
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god. it's a good thing ai didn't namedrop hikaru, at least. that would bring the conversation screeching to a halt. for the most part, kamiki's been a subject to tiptoe around, apart from making ai aware of the broad strokes of what happened at the hospital that day.
those eyes, like voids of light, still haunt her. ]
I don't—need you to. [ it spills out just as quickly, before ai's even done talking, and she wonders if she's retreating even as she says it, but it... feels like the truth. the important part of the truth, anyway. either way, kotone draws back slightly, pulling her hands back into her lap.
she's a selfish, clumsy thing who ruins everything she touches. nothing new.]I don't want to put more expectations on you. I don't want to make anything harder. That's the last thing I want. Ai-chan, I meant what I said, I just—I want to be here for you. I want to help you.
[ i want to protect you from him. ]
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If Kotone doesn't want that, then what does she want? What could Ai possibly give her? If she says all she wants is to be here, with Ai and the twins, then isn't it beyond selfish of Ai to let her do that? To take, take, take with no promise or even any hope of being able to ever reciprocate?
The thoughts churn in her head, inky and dark. She sits with them for a long stretch of quiet, carefully clicking the words together before she lets them come out of her head. She has to say this right. It can't just be what she thinks Kotone wants to hear.
She has to know what Kotone wants full stop before she can try any of that. ]
That's really enough for you?
[ Her hands curl into loose fists in her lap. ]
If you just give, give, give like that and I can't give anything back then... isn't that the same way it goes with everyone else? I... don't want it to be like that. With us. But if you're happy giving then... is that really okay?
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finally, she huffs out a wet chuckle, rubbing her eyes. none of this is funny, but— ]
... Ai, you—you really don't know how much you've already given me, do you? I... yeah, I feel the way I do, about you, but... [ the old honorific's gone. the comfort from wrapping this in their childhood dynamic is fraying fast. she trails off, closes her eyes, takes a breath. when she reopens them, she rests a hand on the back of ai's own. the words pour out like a steady rain. ]
If... if you ever think you can return it, I'll be here. Same if you decide you can't. Or if you're never sure. I'll be here no matter what. You, Saitou, Miyako, Ruby, Aqua, you're—you're all the closest thing I have to family. I owe you all so much... especially you, Ai. I'm not giving that up for anything.
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tagging back two months later to basically just end the thread. idk either